Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Sarah's LiveJournal:

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Monday, March 30th, 2009
4:23 pm	Accepted! I've been resisting posting this on facebook until I make a final decision but I thought, what the hey, who even reads my livejournal anymore, I might as well post it. So: I've been accepted to NYU's MFA Dramatic Writing Program (to focus on TV writing) AND I've been accepted to Columbia's MFA Film program!!! Yippee! I have to make a decision by April 20th. I'm about 85% decided for Columbia (where I'd get to study directing, producing and screenwriting, probably focusing on screenwriting). But I want to do due diligence and I'm going to NYU's dinner for its accepted students on Thursday to see the lay of the land. Hopefully, I'll also be sitting in on a class at Columbia next week, too. Wherever I decide, I'm incredibly thrilled and happy!! Even though, this whole applying to grad school began with California dreams. Well, California will have to wait because New York loves me! (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, December 4th, 2008
6:16 pm	Gossip - A Meme I am going to do a meme. I tend to be against them, but why not. This is for you, supernovaegg IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY? "Dancing Queen” ABBA WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY? “Sing!” A Chorus Line WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL? "Gaston’s Soliloquy”," Gigi Album HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY? “Maybe Baby” Buddy Holy & The Crickets WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE? "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” Coldplay WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO? "Revolution Rock” The Clash WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU? "Bad Reputation” Joan Jett (Hahaha, I like that this makes sense but I don’t think its true.) WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN? "Concrete & Clay” Unit 4+ 2 WHAT IS 2+2? "This Magic Moment” The Drifters WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND? "Alexander’s Ragtime Band” Ella Fitzgerald WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE? "You’ve Changed” Billie Holiday WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY? "100000 Fireflies” The Magnetic Fields WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP? "My Romance” Ella Fitzgerald WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE? "Merchants of Soul” Spoon WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU? "Ain’t Too Proud to Beg” The Temptations WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING? "Transylvanian Concubine” Rasputina WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL? "Surfing in Siberia” Red Elvises WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST? "The Power is On” The Go! Team WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET? "Opening: I Hope I Get It” A Chorus Line WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS? "campfire?” Lucas WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN? "Come on! Feel the Illinoise! Part 1: the World’s Columbian Exposition/ Part II: Carl Sandburg Visits Me in a Dream" Sufjan Stevens HOW WILL YOU DIE? "Rocky Racoon” The Beatles WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET? "Just Like Honey’ The Jesus and Mary Chain WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH? "Keep Myself Awake” Black Lab WHAT MAKES YOU CRY? "Anyone Can Whistle” Bernadette Peters WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED? "The Certain Feeling” Ella Fitzgerald WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST? "Come Sail Away” Styx DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU? "Girls” Death in Vegas (hahahaha) IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE? "Happiness is A Warm Gun” The Beatles WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW? "A Summer Song” Chad & Jeremy WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS? "Gossip” Gigi (Comment on this)
Wednesday, September 17th, 2008
2:03 pm	Here we go! So I'm really applying to grad school. I know I am because I just officially asked for a recommendation (in e-mail and all). So now its real cause someone else is involved. And soon two more people will be involved (the other recs) and then by Nov 1 at least one school will be involved (that's my first deadline). Exciting! (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, June 16th, 2008
4:18 pm	Social retards in action! - So I thought I'd call because . . . I think sometimes e-mail confuses things. - Okay? - So . . . What's upsetting you? - Well. Can I be completely honest? - Yes, please, I want you to be honest. - Okay, well, I invited you to the movies and then you invited along your friend, your female friend. And that's not what I had in mind. - Right. You had something else in mind. - I was asking you on a date. - Oh! - Yeah - Yeah, I didn't . . . I didn't get that. - Well, I'm sorry if it was unclear, but now you know. So if you and your friend want to go see the movie, just go ahead, but I don't really want to. I'd feel weird. - No, no, don't feel weird. She's just a friend. She's just in town and I thought she'd like the movie, too and you would both really get along. But I want to see the movie with you. So we can go next week. - Ummmm. Would you consider that a date? - I . . . . don't know. Can we not call it anything? - Well, I'm being really honest so I'd appreciate it if you were honest, too. If you're not interested or you just want to be friends, just tell me. - I . . . I had a great time with you on Tuesday. I really spending time with you and I don't want to lose you. - . . . I'm not asking you to get pinned or anything. This is not an ultimatum. - heh . . . yeah I know . . . umm - If you just want to be friends, its ok to say so. - Would that be possible, for us to be friends? - Yeah, people can be friends even after- I mean, I have lots of guy friends. - Right. I guess. . . . I just don't know. - Okay, okay, that's your answer. That's a legitimate answer. You don't know if you want to date or be friends. Fine. Awkward pause. - So . . . The director's going to be there only tomorrow. So it'd be cool if we all went. And she's really just a friend. - You should just go without me. - No! No! You have to come, it was your idea. Unless you still feel weird? - Umm - You still feel weird. - Well, now its all awkward cause- I didn't mean this to turn into some junior high school thing. - No, no, it'll be fine. - Can I get back to you? - Ok. - Bye - Bye Guess the age of these people? 13? 15? 25? Yes, sadly both parties are 25. And apparently cannot function in the real world. (Comment on this)
Sunday, April 13th, 2008
9:57 pm	I think I'm becoming a grown-up. My weekend: I cleaned my apartment, did my taxes and had a date. Very grown-up weekend. Dating is very weird in the real world. I really like the guy, but I'm sure how he feels about me. And its just so weird getting to know someone. I dunno, its just a weird thing. I felt very self-conscious and could feel myself wondering how I ever made the friends I have. And I felt weirdly young even though we're the same age. Gah. Well, it was a good experience. We shall see if anything comes of it. And even if nothing does, I'm glad I tried! (Comment on this)
Sunday, March 16th, 2008
11:54 am	It is time for a post. But I feel so in flux. What is there to report? I can talk about how I'm quite stupid sometimes. Stupid isn't the word. When I was in 8th grade, there was a boy who would call me a slut. When I finally said, "Do NOT call me that or my father will sue you for sexual harassment!" or something of that nature, he said, "Fine, I'll call you a ditz then." This really bothered me because a) who wants to be called a slut or a ditz and b) what the hell, I was clearly not either of these things! Typical of me, I think it was the wrongness of the title that bothered me more than the insult. If I really was a slut, I reasoned, then it would at least be an appropriate insult. But the ditz question has somehow stuck with me. Sometimes, I am a little bit . . . featherbrained. Like how I left my wallet at work on Friday. And didn't realize it until about 8pm Saturday night. I am about 90% sure its at work, since there's been no activity on the cards. Still, this is unacceptable on many levels. Especially since I am leaving for a work trip on Monday at 6am. I found some mad money hidden in my dresser, which is enough to get me a cab and such. And luckily I have my passport so I can get on the plane. But still, what will I do when I get there? I will have to borrow money from my boss, I guess. Its just so incredibly ditzy and embaressing. I will venture to the office now to see if the building is open, but it is only open incredibly rarely on Sundays. Still, I should try. If I am able to get in, it will be a miracle. (Comment on this)
Thursday, January 10th, 2008
3:27 pm	Meme For some reason supernoveegg seemed to feel weird/guilty about this meme. But, um, I don't feel bad for having a privileged childhood. I'm lucky and that's ok. I'm not living off a trust fund and I'm not supported by my parents currently, so I don't have anything to be ashamed of. Privilege Meme Father went to college -- Yes. Father finished college -- Yes. Mother went to college -- Yes. Mother finished college -- Yes. Have any relative who is an attorney, physician, or professor – My dad was a criminal defense attorney until I was about 15. He now practices from time to time. My grandfather was a Political Science professor. My aunt’s husband is a doctor. Were the same or higher class than your high school teachers -- Yes. Had more than 50 books in your childhood home -- Yep Had more than 500 books in your childhood home -- Yep. Were read children's books by a parent – Very often. I think every night. Had lessons of any kind before you turned 18 – Lessons? I guess no. Had more than two kinds of lessons before you turned 18 – No. The people in the media who dress and talk like me are portrayed positively – I think so. Had a credit card with your name on it before you turned 18 – Yes. Your parents (or a trust) paid for the majority of your college costs -- Yes. Your parents (or a trust) paid for all of your college costs -- Yes. Went to a private high school – No. Went to summer camp – I went to a day camp until I was 13. Had a private tutor before you turned 18 -- No. Family vacations involved staying at hotels – Yes, but it was just me and my mom. Your clothing was all bought new before you turned 18 -- Yes. Except when I was at my dad’s. Then I had to wear hand me downs. Your parents bought you a car that was not a hand-me-down from them – No. There was original art in your house when you were a child -- No Had a phone in your room before you turned 18 -- No You and your family lived in a single family house -- No Your parent(s) owned their own house or apartment before you left home -- Yes You had your own room as a child -- At my mom's. Participated in an SAT/ACT prep course – Yes. Had your own TV in your room in High School – No.. Owned a mutual fund or IRA in High School or College -- Yes Flew anywhere on a commercial airline before you turned 16 -- Yes Went on a cruise with your family – No. I plan to never go on a cruise. Went on more than one cruise with your family -- No. Your parents took you to museums and art galleries as you grew up – Yes to museums. No to art galleries. You were unaware of how much heating bills were for your family -- Yes. (Comment on this)
Monday, November 19th, 2007
12:44 am	I just got back from Baltimore. I was there for two weeks, minus three days when I was back in NY. But it was a two weeks experience. Stage managing two shows and light designing one (of the two). Both were shows I worked on last summer. I really like the people and it was nice staying in people's homes and getting a sense of what it is to be a artist in Baltimore. I stayed in two places and both were quirky and gorgeous and truly homes. Made me feel like a bum for not working harder on my own apt. One of the people I was staying with is going to be crashing with me in about two weeks, so that will hopefully light a fire under me and get me to work. It was a funny exchange: - And of course, you are welcome to stay with me anytime you're in NY. - Really? Great. I'll come in two weeks. - Uh? Ok! So I have to like, get a second chair and maybe assemble some things I bought and finish unpacking finally. Which is all healthy and good for me to do. And buy curtains. Most of the people I was around were between 4 and 12 years older than me, which was gave me a lot of perspective on how "old" I really am. Which is good to have since I am rapidly approaching the "big" 25. I learned that I am still very young and should not despair or freak out. And I should definitely not be making decisions based on what is "sensible" yet. I should leave my job in march or therabouts. And I should find a job related to things I care about. And then I should start seriously thinking about making a big move. To that end, I got my learner's permit last tuesday. Next step, driving school. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, September 25th, 2007
5:51 pm	Cue chair dance! I move most of my stuff to my new apt on Sunday! Then big items (bed for example) get moved on Tuesday. Then I liberate some cool doodads from my mom's apt (my Russian doll, a few posters). Then I need to start gathering things. Like chairs. New futon mattress (for living room futon). More shelving. Cable/internet. Not in that order. Woohoo. Now to buy something with caffeine. Have a meeting with the guy directing a play I wrote. And then work on script all evening. Oh and maybe pack ?? (Comment on this)
Thursday, August 30th, 2007
4:40 pm	so i'm on the housing market again as anyone reading this would know. Its very nerve-wracking although I am giving myself a lot of time. Still. I want to live alone which means I need to pay more than what I'm paying now. To avoid awkward money talk let's say I pay X. So I'll Have to pay at least (x + $100) Well, that's only $100 more a month .. ., I think. Well, its just a hop, skip and a jump to me thinking "(x + $300)!, I'm willing to pay up to (x + 300)". But now I as I schedule to see an apt for that much after work today I think: Shiiit. That's a lot of money. Can I afford that? Well, technically, I can. Right now. But still, less carefree spending. More planning my monthly budgets. But I want to leave my job in March. And I mean, to a new job. But new job will probably pay less, because new job would be in the arts. And then what do I do? I'm concerned. Sigh. (Comment on this)
Thursday, August 16th, 2007
3:01 pm	I won a tv writing contest. Well, to be more exact, I came in second place in a tv writing contest. Still pretty cool. Especially considering that its my first teleplay and the first contest I entered. Two other contests still pending. I win: a little bit of money. But most importantly, my script gets read by several different literary agencies and production companies. Which is really cool, because getting read is the biggest challenge. So yeah: I wrote an Ugly Betty spec, got second place in Sitcom category (there's also a pilot and 1 hour category, actually I think they moved me into the sitcom category. but that's fine) There was over 600 entries and this is a contest that's listed in every book about tv writing. I feel very validated and encouraged. But of course because I'm also insane, I started reading over my teleplay before sending the pdf to the contest people and thinking "ug, this is so silly. this is so simple." But no, its good, it fits the show. Now to finish the next script. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, June 14th, 2007
10:06 am	Update In no particular order: - a pigeon flew into my head the other day when I was walking through Union Square. It was very disconcerting! - my computer died. Blue screen of death plus fun message saying "physical memory dump complete". I managed to stay calm for about three hours trying to fix this and then gave in and cried a little. I'm investigating data recovery options. - I spent a week evaluating Mac vs PC for my new laptop. After hearing many, many, many strong opinions on the subject and doing some reading on my own, I decided to buy an HP laptop. Don't try to argue or persuade me otherwise, the decision has been made and the computer ordered. Pete though is quite sad I didn't join the cult of mac. - my ikea dresser is finally assembled thanks to my dad and greatly improved my quality of life. - Jbarr is in New York for the summer. Its good to have him around and he's a good companion for going to cultural events. Plus he gets cool perks from his super fancy schmancy law internship like free tickets to the ballet. I hadn't been to the ballet in Years, but I'll go if I get $95 tickets for free! - My tv writing group is still meeting and going well. - The show I'm production managing/stage managing is getting into high gear. - The damn play I'm writing for those people won't die. I've agreed to make further revisions due Thursday. - Too many fun cool stuff going on this summer in New York. So many film, theater, music festivals! - I'll be going down to Baltimore for two weeks in November to work on two cool shows. Both of these shows I worked on last year and I really like the people who are doing the shows. I'm glad it worked with my job. I don't think this is going to "help my career" whatever that means, but I know it'll be fun and interesting. what else? What else? I dunno. I feel pretty happylike. Can't complain. (Comment on this)
Thursday, April 12th, 2007
12:30 am	Billy Pilgrim has come unstuck in time Kurt Vonnegut has passed into the next plane. http://www.nytimes.com/2007/04/12/books/12vonnegut.html?_r=1&hp&oref=slogin I am embarressed to admit I have not read enough of Vonnegut's writings. I should try again. I read some of less lesser known workers (Galapagos, for example) and was a little disappointed. Still, I should try. Cat's Cradle and Slaughter-House Five are two of the greatest books I've ever read and I've read them both several times. I can't explain why I am so sad about his death. But I just . . . its like finding out a friend you lost touch with is dead. I don't know . . . He really was a brillant man and a great humanist. Read the obit and see if you don't want to cry at the end. Maybe when great philosophical science fiction writers die they go to a special place. Now everyone go read Cat's Cradle. And find your karass. And check out this website: http://cns2.uni.edu/~wallingf/personal/bokonon.html. In the beginning, God created the earth, and he looked upon it in His cosmic loneliness. And God said, "Let Us make living creatures out of mud, so the mud can see what We have done." And God created every living creature that now moveth, and one was man. Mud as man alone could speak. God leaned close as mud as man sat up, looked around, and spoke. Man blinked. "What is the purpose of all this?" he asked politely. "Everything must have a purpose?" asked God. "Certainly," said man. "Then I leave it to you to think of one for all this," said God. And He went away Actually reading Vonnegut always made me sad in similar ways. But happy too. Double-think. Oops, referencing wrong author. But I really connected to the bittersweet worldview he had. I am sleepy and incoherent. I will go to sleep and wake up and mourn a man I did not know and who would think it absurb that I care that he died. Current Mood: sad (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, February 27th, 2007
11:50 pm	Sometimes I take a break from posting because I feel like it feeds my whining. And, while I totally whine a lot, its really a very distasteful habit of mine. But I want to post because I had a really great day. Nothing momentous happened. It was just a good 24 hrs start to finish. I say 24 hrs because the goodfeelingness started last night. I received in the mail a postcard from Seb (hi!) and I worked long and hard on my spec script. As some of you know (but others don't) I have been taking a Tv writing class since second week of January. I am writing a spec script of Ugly Betty. I really enjoy doing it. I had fallen behind in my writing schedule though, so I wanted to try to push through and finish the first draft. "Writing forward" is hard for me, but its something I'm trying to get better at. I was really enjoying myself and thinking hard, many creative muscles working. Then I watched the Daily Show, Colbert Report and Discovery Channel's Dirty Jobs (we got cable, btw!). Partially, I was working as I watched and partially I was trying to wait up for Pete because I hadn't seen him in a week due to our opposite life schedules. Its a little freaky to live with someone and never see them, but just see evidence of them. Like: "oh, Pete must have eaten eggs". Or "oh, Pete closed the door to my room". Or "Pete rearranged the bath matt so its now upside down. Weird." Like living with a ghost. Anyway, I was writing and writing and getting my andreline pumping from having ideas. But then it was 2am and geez I need to go to bed. After going to bed rituals, it was pretty much 3am. Went to sleep. Woke up at about 5 when Pete drunkenly came home. Back to sleep. And when I woke up at 7:30: The most refreshed I have felt in . . . I think years. Really. I doubled checked the time with clocks in the apt because I couldn't believe how awake I felt. All day, I felt bright, happy and rested. I didn't yawn once today! And usually I yawn constantly! So much one of the IT consultants at work has been giving me a hard time about it. But today I was the one of the first people at work. I worked and worked. And I went to my tv writing class. And it went really great and everyone liked my 7 pages a LOT. Much more than I liked them. And it turns out that a woman in the class used to be a boss of the woman my job almost hired instead of me, back in October. And now still might be hired. Odd connection. AND when I got home, Pete was home and it turns out a guy in my writing class is a friend of Pete's from high school. How random is that? And I had even met him before because he had visited Bruce/Pete/me's apt that summer we all lived together. Bizarre! Everyone is connected. I just felt genuinely in a great mood all day and funny coincidences were happening which I love. Oh and I got the gloves I had left in Minnesota in the mail from Seb's mom today. Right after getting his postcard. Fun! So while this may all seem super mundane, I just wanted to share how just . . . happy I feel. I woke up happy and it made the whole day quasi-magical feeling. It feels like I suddenly have a new start. Very mysterious but I won't question it. (Comment on this)
Sunday, January 21st, 2007
12:57 am	Not an update really but I just saw the 1978 verson of Invasion of the Body Snatchers, with Donald Sutherland. What an incredibly amazing disturbing movie. I don't want to go to sleep now. Just . . . ew, it makes me shiver. Ah, PBS why do you show such awesome movies? I can't believe I never seen that before. And the sound the podpeople made. That's the worst. That's going to unsettle me for days . . . I totally recommend you all see it if you can. *_* (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, January 5th, 2007
2:30 am	Good news plus bad news equals ? I found out today that I'll be definately moving to a new job at the place I work (a more interesting job I think) and getting a raise too! That's definately good, right? But when I called my dad to tell him, I found out he lost his arbitration at work. Its really sad because its been going on forever and, while he won't be let go, its very upsetting. Basically the short backstory is: my dad was accused of yelling at patrons at the library and therefore demoted (and his salary was decreased). Via the union, he tried to challenge this decision. But after seriously two years of this arbitration going on, he lost. It really did cancel out my good news, because its sorta a slap in the face to my dad's pride that now I'm this much closer to making as much as him. Its not a rational thing, but I know it sorta makes him sad about his own life. Also, it really hit me when he told me how I can feel sorry for myself a lot and beat up myself a lot for not working a job related to anything I'm interested in and for not pushing myself enough with theater. But here's my dad, who hasn't seen any of his dreams come true. And not only that, gets beat up (figuratively) at every job he has. So I'm some real self-absorbed pissant to feel bad for myself when my father's faces so much worse. I still have so many things I can do and I'm not in a race. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, January 2nd, 2007
4:32 pm	2007 = the future The number 2007 seems especially futuristic. Somehow more futuristic than 2008. Oh, odd numbers, how odd you are. I am happy its a new year. My resolution: watch less tv. Its more complicated than that but mostly its about breaking my habit of just turning the tv on automatically when I get home. Also, the ole cliche of "lose weight". Hahah, my resolutions are so lame. I'll add another resolution: next year have cooler resolutions. This weekend I take a trip to Minnesota which I hope will be fun. I hope there's snow. What's the point of it being grey and gross all the time if there's no snow? K, that's all I got to post unless I whine or tell a pointless story. And yes, all my stories are pointless, I know! Happy The Future! (6 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, November 21st, 2006
12:25 am	"Excuse me?" "Yes?" "Can you tell me where the clothing stores are?" "Any clothing store?" "Yes. Any clothing store. The stores with the punk rock clothes." "Um, go that way." I point them towards Washington Square Park. Cause you know, I obviously know where to find the punk rock clothing . . . (Comment on this)
Monday, November 13th, 2006
10:58 am	In case there’s been any ambiguity about whether or not my mother is right in her head, check out what she said to me yesterday: “I’m sorry I went to your show. You know, you really need to take a course in playwrighting or something, learn about structure. The first part that was the same was good but the rest, you just lost it. I don’t know what kind of feedback you’ve been getting, but neither one of those shows (referring to Asta and Keith’s show also) should ever have been put on a stage.” I said, “Wow, thank you. Talk to you later.” And hung up. Now mind you, I’m not saying that merely not liking my show makes one sick in the head. But talking to Anyone like that, much less your own daughter, that does. She said what was clearly calculated to hurt me the most. Her not liking the show: I expected. But geez, there are other ways to express it and still be Polite. Cause while I am seeking criticism from theater people who saw the show, all that she should have said was “I didn’t understand it” or “it wasn’t my style”. She said something clearly meant to make me doubt myself and make me feel bad. If I try to defend myself in any way, she will merely say that I’m choosing to live in a delusional world and can’t face reality. Which is? Reality: Duh, the show wasn’t Perfect. There are things I liked about it and things I didn’t. There are mistakes I made and there are things that worked. Theater is not a science. Its about taking risks and I certainly did. Its my first play directed outside of the safety of college and the first play I wrote. It was a lot of me going it alone and that’s okay. I don’t think I’m a genius, but I don’t think I’m a piece of shit either and I think pursuing my dream is a good thing. Its not doing me any harm. I support myself, I have a job. Even if I was the worst thing to happen to theater in the history of the world -- which I can’t possibly be – why try to stomp me down? Because I’m so embarrassing? Ugh. Whatever. I keep accidentally treating her comment like its actually about my play and not about my mother trying to hurt me. So what do you with someone who chooses the nastiest thing to say to you? Well, if it was anyone else I would just basically avoid ever taking to that person again. But when that mean person is your mother? That’s difficult. Really, I should not be surprised at all and I tell myself Over and Over again that ever trying to make her proud is a lost cause. She will never be happy, she’s a miserable person. She would refuse to read stories I wrote in high school “because she was afraid she wouldn’t like them”. What the fuck? I have seen/read plenty of artistic endeavors of people I know which I didn’t like. And 9 times out of 10, I just said something polite! Just be polite! Be a person! I feel so sad that she is my mother. While she was say she is embarrassed over me, I am also embarrassed over her. And I’m embarrassed that she still has such emotional power over me. I feel all hollow inside. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, November 6th, 2006
11:57 am	As most of the people who read this know, this week my show opens. And closes. Its only for three days. I had asked about a presentation at OHT in the downstairs but was told that they're not putting up random people anymore. Pooh on them. I suppose there are possibilities for remounting it, but I would have to get the exact same actresses if I want to use the video footage (which is totally one of the best parts of the show). Its a lot of work/exhaustion for three performances. But. I'm doing this for a lot of reasons other than performances. I'm doing this because unless you are actually directing you are not a director. I'm doing this to build my portfolio. I'm doing this because its important to start developing my own work, self-written and self-directed. I'm doing to invite cool people I know and show them what I can do and hopefully they'll like it. I'm doing this to take a risk. People keep asking me "are you excited?" "are you nervous?". Actually, I sorta feel numb. Because I'm so incredibly nervous, I can't even address it. Due to stupidness of people, our space was double-booked on Thursday, which was the day that Asta and my shows were supposed to have a run together. This threw many things off. None the least of which are that we will Not have the green room on Monday (today) and Tuesday. So when one show is teching, then the other show can’t be rehearsing. And the producers never found someone to work as a Production Stage Manager for the week or the festival. Sigh. Also Asta’ s main actress was out all weekend and majorly stressing (well, yes. . .), but I had to say “Its pretty important that we do a run on Tuesday, I can’t just have my actors skip rehearsing on Tuesday.” This is more to do with psychological readiness than performance readiness. The crazy thing is, of course, this is Not a long show. Its about 35 minutes long. But it is very dense and everything is heightened because there is only two actresses, sound, video, many props and not much support beyond me. This is not UT, folks, where every show has a production manager, a committee liaison, a sm, an asm, an AD, a pro-staff . . . I’m running my own sound, my original music/sound guy Lucas has been running a fever for the last week and its unclear whether he’ll be able to get me a new version of the sound . . . Also one actress in particular is driving me a little Nuts and I don’t know what to do about her. I mean . . . I did tell have a conversation last rehearsal that went like this: “Whatever happens and whatever goes wrong, you can’t crack up!” “I know, but it was just so weird and –“ “No, really, it doesn’t matter, it can’t happen.” “Of course, it won’t happen when there’s an audience. But she’s so funny -- ” “Ok, but she’s supposed to be funny. Just . . . it can’t happen.” “Right, right, of course.” Arg! Just the tip of the iceberg, man! The three producing girls have been great for the most part and I definitely am grateful to them. But a lot of communication has fallen through the cracks. Not unsurprisingly, the most useful of the producers is the only one who is not also directing her own piece. And I’m very scared about my family coming to see it. I can’t get rid of wanting their approval very very much. And this is despite, that I Know, they will love me and support me whether they think the show is crap or not. And I’m completely mentally prepared for them to either say nothing to me about the show or just say “Its so great that you’re pursuing your dream” or something like that. But I still want them to like it and feel proud of me. And not be too taken aback by white-box-ness of the theater. Good news is that my part in the big exhausting project at work is done and everyone will be at a conference on Thursday and Friday. Yay! (Comment on this)